Teaching McFadden to Waltz

For many years I have collected gramophone records.

I have some gems in my collection including some very funny songs - at least I think they're funny.  Mostly they're old music hall songs, Irish style, songs that probably originated in America on Tin Pan Alley.

I love this one  - Teaching McFadden to Waltz.  I remember my mother singing the chorus of this when we were children

"One two three, balance like me
You're quite the fairy but you have your faults
For your left foot is lazy, your right foot is crazy,
But don't be unaisy I'll teach you to waltz" 

Being more politically correct now people usually sing
"you're quite the dancer but you have your faults", 
but this recording is from 1935 I think, sung by the Baritone Sam Carson.
According to the iMDB there was a short comedy film made of this in 1911 in the US.  



This is a very posh gramophone player in this video - mine is the one from the photo above.

Here are all the words

Teaching McFadden To Waltz

Clarence McFadden he wanted to waltz

But his feet were not put on that way

So he saw a professor and stated his case

And said he was willing to pay

The professor looked down in alarm at his feet

As he viewed their enormous expanse

So he tacked on a crown to his regular price

For teaching McFadden to dance

Chorus

One two three, balance like me

You’re quite the fairy but you have your faults

Well your left foot is lazy your right foot is crazy

But don’t be uneasy I’ll teach you to waltz 

He took out McFadden before the whole class

And he showed him the step once or twice

But McFadden‘s two feet got tied into a knot

Sure he thought he was standing on ice

At last he broke loose and struck out with a will

Never looking behind or before

But his head got so dizzy he fell on his face

And rubbed the whole wax off the floor

McFadden soon got the step into his head

But it would not go into his feet

He hummed Maggie Murphy from morning to night

And he counted the steps in the street

One night he went home to his room to retire

After painting the town a bright red

Sure he dreamt he was waltzing and leaped out his legs

And kicked the footboard off the bed

When Clarence had practiced the steps for a while

Sure he thought that he had it down fine

He went to a girl and he asked her to dance

And he wheeled her out into the line

He walked on her feet and he fractured her toe

And he said that her movements were false

Sure the poor girl went round for three weeks on a crutch
Through teaching McFadden to waltz.